Bridal Archetypes
I wrote this a while ago and people really liked it. I thought I would re-post it here in my blog for my fans to enjoy!
Bridal Archetypes
By: W Donnie Brown, JWIC
Brides come with many different personalities, backgrounds, and levels of taste. There truly are significant bridal archetypes. Do you fit in one or more of these categories?
THE ANAL BRIDE:
In your hand, you always carry your wedding planner book completely intact and perfectly organized. You have control of every detail, and when you meet with vendors you book their services because they fit within your well-structured wedding ensemble perfectly. Your wedding will go perfectly as this will be a detail-driven and exciting wedding for all. God forbid that a hemorrhoid forms on that perfect wedding. For example, what may happen if an invited guest arrives with a date that was not RSVP’d in advance? Well, the retentive goddess in you will meet them at the door and scold them but good. That is if you have finished directing the photographer through the post-ceremony photo shoot with a loud snap of your finger. Your reception would be nothing less than a seated dinner with lots of people, good food, and plenty to drink.
THE INCESSANT DREAMER:
You have spent the past twenty-plus years cutting pictures from magazines and creating your dream-wedding book. You finally wrangled yourself a bridegroom. Now, you spend lots of time looking at Martha Stewart’s Wedding publications. You love all of Martha’s ideas, many of which are just not realistic. The tulip boutonniere is your favorite. Who cares if it falls apart before the men walk down the aisle? Martha said that it would be okay, so it will! I’ll bet you even have a cake topper that you have been saving since you were six years old. It does not matter how tacky it is, just use it…and “Nelly!” bar the door if anything happens to it! It cost $1.99 in 1970, but now it is priceless! Your reception will consist of a buffet dinner with fifty percent seating. You are terrified that your guests will sit down and not mingle and mix. After all, it is such fun to sit at an unset table or to stand and hold your glass with one hand and your plate with the other. Several guests will be sniffing their plate, because they will not have any way of actually getting the food into their mouth! However, it will be festive!
THE INDECISIVE SCHIZOPHRENIC:
You have absolutely no idea what you want. You see sample after sample of ideas and still cannot make a decision. You leave with ideas and come back to the table needing more because none of the previous ones “spoke” to you. The voices were talking but nothing actually got through. You do not want a cookie cutter wedding. However, you must see photos of something that you do want, even though you don’t know what exactly it is that you want. I think that you know what I mean when I say that you do not know what you want, even though I know that you know what I mean, ya know? You will not have food at the reception because you never made a decision to begin with and the caterers finally gave up and took the evening off.
CROUCHING BRIDE; HIDDEN MOTHER DRAGON:
You have an idea of what you want, but will never see any of your ideas come to fruition because of the Mother dragon that lurks in the shadows demanding that this is her wedding and not yours. With any protestation, your mother tells you, “When you have a daughter, and are therefore paying for it, then you can decide.” Until then, you will do what “Mommy Dearest” says. Your mother will make it clear that it will be her sole mission in life to destroy the wedding planner should they defy her wishes. For your reception, you would like a selection of tasty, hot and cold passed Hors d’Oeuvres and a buffet presentation. However, your dear Mother will have something to say about that as well. You will end up having a seated dinner with all of your mother’s favorite selections, and you will like it…Or else!
THE NOT SO TRUTHFUL, WANT IT BUT CAN’T AFFORD IT BRIDE or “THE BEER POCKET BUDGET BRIDE”:
You are pleasant and very sweet. However, you might bend the truth when you say that you will be faxing over the contract as soon as you hang up the phone with your wedding planner. You will not. You have every intention of making your payment installments on time. But, somehow you will not. Alternatively, when you say you will do your homework and get your wedding planner what they need in order to get their job done. You will not. Then, all of a sudden, two weeks before the wedding, you turn about face and scream when nothing is done on your timeline; You fail to realize that you are only behind schedule because of your indecisiveness and lack of getting your part done as promised all along. You just want to keep up with the other ten brides that you previously stood for as an attendant, even though your limited budget cannot afford the related expenses. Not to worry, you will find the funds somehow. You made money at the Blood Bank earlier in the day, but if you still fall short, perhaps your wedding planner will take pity on you and help you in some way. Overall, this is not going to be the easiest, most stress-free wedding. You want an elegant buffet of carved beef tenderloin and a raw bar of sushi and shellfish. However, what you will have in the end is an array of beanie weenies and spam meatballs smothered in a lovely “Mad Dog 20-20” reduction.
Now, you may or may not find any of yourself in these above mentioned categories. Or perhaps, you are there and everyone else sees it. Regardless, it was fun realizing that your own well-hidden neuroses happen to other people too, not just you.