Articles Satire/Comedy

Best New Years Resolutions

2013 Happy New Year!

I often wonder how people come up with their New Years resolutions. Many are sincere in their efforts to make changes to their lives. I thought it might be fun to come up with some humorous resolutions for 2013 that we can all laugh at before completely failing at our real ones. Enjoy!

  1. Start smoking in order to lose weight.
  2. Make all my sandwiches with donuts.
  3. Stop licking every frozen flagpole I come across.
  4. Spend more quality time with my pets.
  5. Do 20 refrigerator door opening and closing reps per day.
  6. Only tell lies when nobody else can’t find out.
  7. Pick up homeless people and take them to nursing homes to volunteer their time.
  8. Stop spending more than my paycheck on eBay!
  9. Spend at least 5 minutes a month with a family member.
  10. Have an affaire with someone close to the office.
  11. Pull the weeds in my garden and drop them on the lawn of the homeowners association president. (Also counts as exercise)
  12. Go back to school in order to get out of my student loan payments.
  13. Color my hair with it’s natural color (if I could remember what that was!)
  14. Fire someone just for laughs!
  15. Drink at least one bottle of champagne per day.
  16. Have at least an hour of mirror time each day.
  17. Organize my paperclip container.
  18. Learn a new jive word each day.
  19. Stop ringing the flight attendant button on the plane for laughs.
  20. Do less laundry and use more deodorant.

Source: New feed